tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7970703367799585001.post866369834401211056..comments2023-12-31T14:09:29.720-08:00Comments on The Pen and Parchment: Surgery… (Otherwise known as my attempts to further the progress of SOTD)Star-Dreamerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14298850366884374226noreply@blogger.comBlogger17125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7970703367799585001.post-24292190859964416772011-07-27T07:06:04.600-07:002011-07-27T07:06:04.600-07:00All right! I look forward to it! *sinis—-er, hap...All right! I look forward to it! *sinis—-er, happy laugh*Jakehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07013859345463250479noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7970703367799585001.post-39837893316475129692011-07-26T14:06:26.148-07:002011-07-26T14:06:26.148-07:00The Chapter opening! It is rewritten! :D I just ...The Chapter opening! It is rewritten! :D I just finished the revision and took it to a writing consultant friend (whom I think is an awesome person in general on top of being a great writer and knowledgeable in the art of creative writing. <3) And we went over it. She gave me her opinions and I tweaked, and now I believe the opening is finally good enough that I can move on. YAY!!!<br /><br />I'll try and post the new chapter opening sometime at the beginning of August for any of you who read this and are interested. Thanks for all the help, you guys! Very appreciated.Star-Dreamerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14298850366884374226noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7970703367799585001.post-12540093426240088352011-07-26T13:11:58.153-07:002011-07-26T13:11:58.153-07:00*nod* Exactly! And I most certainly am NOT going f...*nod* Exactly! And I most certainly am NOT going for the mind controlled zombie effect. :P Which, rereading it, is what I found it was sounding like. Blech. That will definitely be fixed.Star-Dreamerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14298850366884374226noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7970703367799585001.post-18115918818299587062011-07-26T08:22:06.152-07:002011-07-26T08:22:06.152-07:00You're welcome! :)
The reason I suggested tha...You're welcome! :)<br /><br />The reason I suggested that is because, rather than a crowd effect, I got the feel that all of the mothers and children were doing the same thing, like mind-controlled zombies or something. (OO) By making it singular and then adding other details for other people, you might maximize the crowd effect, but whichever seems best. :)<br /><br />*nodnod* All right!<br /><br />The dubious shake thing sounds great. :D<br /><br />And once again, glad to help!Jakehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07013859345463250479noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7970703367799585001.post-56385430281443073242011-07-26T07:44:39.622-07:002011-07-26T07:44:39.622-07:00Oo, good suggestions Jake! :) Very helpful.
Adve...Oo, good suggestions Jake! :) Very helpful.<br /><br />Adverbs: yes, I shake my fist at them! But I try to keep them sparse for the most part. Perhaps, "He gave them a dubious shake" would work better?<br /><br />How can opening an eye cause so much pain? Well, you might have to read chapter 2 for that answer! ;) Besides, I've had headaches like that... they are TERRIBLE! Even small amounts of light make it feel like everything is spinning around you and your head feels like it's caught in a vice. I tried to compare his headache to my experience with headaches, but perhaps I should clarify. :)<br /><br />One child, one mother, one baby? Good idea... but I'm going for the crowd effect. And naturally a mother would brink her children to the market with her... I certainly wouldn't trust my younger siblings at home alone... the house would be wrecked!!! :D But I will try to make it sound less repetative... I mean, rereading that sentence, I could almost see three mothers all calling out the same thing at the same time... not what I wanted. I'll work with that. :)<br /><br />Thank you for all the advice!!! Very helpful in the rewrite.<br /><br />NicholeStar-Dreamerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14298850366884374226noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7970703367799585001.post-89483460022751212232011-07-26T07:32:10.761-07:002011-07-26T07:32:10.761-07:00Cut "uneasily" and show a little more ho...Cut "uneasily" and show a little more how Curron is uneasy. <br /><br />"A band of children chased chickens around and under the legs of people and chairs alike, ignoring the calls of bustling mothers who balanced babies on their hips and browsed through the offered goods." Make the children and the mothers and the babies singular. Just one child and mother and baby—-it'll be more precise and effective that way.<br /><br />"The grim, grey place known as Fort Gallant became a blossoming bazaar of vibrant promise." If you want to get across that Fort Gallant was grim and grey, except in Trades Week, then compare and contrast in the earlier sentences instead of having this one.<br /><br />Now, for the good stuff.<br /><br />I really like Curron. (: He's a great character. <br /><br />The writing quality and description is creative and fresh. Nothing like good description—-it's like drinking a glass of cold water.<br /><br />You really played the suspense of the gallows well, and foreshadowed the hammering noise. It was masterfully done.<br /><br />Don't let my critiques get to you. I really, really like this. :D Fantastic job. If the rest of the novel is like this, let me at it! I want to read! :)Jakehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07013859345463250479noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7970703367799585001.post-28281956902804344762011-07-26T07:31:54.464-07:002011-07-26T07:31:54.464-07:00Maybe that's how it sounds, but "Ungggh.&...Maybe that's how it sounds, but "Ungggh." sounds kind of awkward. O_o<br /><br />"Curron rolled over and buried his face in his hands." (OO) I didn't know it was possible! ;) I'd suggest revision there to get rid of that phrase. It's along the same lines as "throwing up your hands" (gross!).<br /><br />"I’m up already!" Is there supposed to be a comma there? :)<br /><br />"Normally this would have earned him a retort; something like, “I’ll take what help I can get, ye lout. If it’s not from the likes of you, then the dead might as well try their hands at it.” Today, however, there was nothing."<br /><br />Perhaps you can revise that section to make it more active. Like, "Curron waited for the normal retort—something along the lines of, "I'll take what help I can get, ye lout"—but none came."<br /><br />How can opening an eye cause so much pain (referring to the paragraph immediately following)?<br /><br />What is this place? he wondered.<br /><br />By stating that "he wondered" it, you pulled the reader out of your character's head. A normal character wouldn't think a thought, and add, "he wondered". Intimate POV is essential. :)<br /><br />You can fix it by just cutting the "he wondered" and un-italicize, replacing "is" with "was".<br /><br />"What was this place? Certainly..."<br /><br />It flows better. :)<br /><br />"If this isn’t my room, he thought, and it most certainly isn’t – then where am I?"<br /><br />Same principle here. Revise it to something like "If this wasn't his room, and it most certainly wasn't—then where was he?" to get a more intimate POV.<br /><br />Wouldn't he have noticed that he was wearing shackles earlier? They're kind of... noticeable. o_O<br /><br />I think there are some instances where you don't need the italics. :) <br /><br />"dubiously" Adverb alert! :O Cut all adverbs! Termination! <br /><br />If you want to give the feel that he's eying them dubiously, either find a better verb or just leave it. It sounds good without "dubiously" too. :)<br /><br />Or you could keep it. O_o Most adverbs need to be cut, though, because they point to a weaker verb.<br /><br />Cut "in dismay". :)<br /><br />Cut "taunting them with their incompleteness". It makes the following sentences more powerful. Keep things short and sweet in vivid sections. :)<br /><br />Cut the section where he is thinking in italics, and rewrite the sentence about feeling his scalp accordingly. This'll keep the readers wondering—-no need to tell them that it was bad, because it HAS to have been bad for him to be in there. We're smart, we'll figure it out. :) They'll have more questions if you cut this out.<br /><br />Cut "foreboding" in "the foreboding hammering sound". It'll make the hammering sound itself more effective; we'll FEEL that it's foreboding rather than being told that it is.Jakehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07013859345463250479noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7970703367799585001.post-72422839631474042162011-07-24T07:57:42.775-07:002011-07-24T07:57:42.775-07:00Ah! :D Thank you, Director. :) That makes me real...Ah! :D Thank you, Director. :) That makes me really happy. :) <br /><br />And I'm glad you like that line, too... I wasn't sure if I should cut it or not. I was debating.<br /><br />I'm thinking about making him notice the chains earlier... a person who was chained probably would... but I just can't decide for sure. Well, however it plays out, I will post the "fixed" version when I get it done. :)<br /><br />And I've had "Emperor's new groove" on the brain lately... I have no idea why...<br /><br />"Is that my voice? Is that MY voice? Oh well..." ;DStar-Dreamerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14298850366884374226noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7970703367799585001.post-45124191254014783642011-07-23T09:00:45.629-07:002011-07-23T09:00:45.629-07:00Okay, five things:
Firstly, your Esma quote made ...Okay, five things:<br /><br />Firstly, your Esma quote made me massively happy. Seriously. :D<br /><br />Secondly, that was the coolest thing I've ever read. Massively so. I want to read the whole thing now, seriously!<br /><br />(Onto some minor critique. I don't have anything big, just a sentence fix or such.)<br /><br />Thirdly, when Curron first wakes up and rubs the back of his head, wouldn't he notice the chains on his wrist then? Instead he doesn't notice them until he stands up. So in my opinion, either don't have him rub his head or have him notice the chains earlier. (But I wouldn't do the latter, I like how you played it out.)<br /><br />Fourthly, when he expects Teagh to reply, "“I’ll take what help I can get, ye lout. If it’s not from the likes of you, then the dead might as well try their hands at it.”. It <i>was</i> better the second time I read it through, but my first impression was that his imagined reply was a little too long and thus, we got lost because of it. (Does that make sense??)<br /><br />Fifthly, this was perfect:<br /><i>Oh…</i><br />Heavy shackles coupled his wrists and ankles together, while four lengths of thick chain, their links about the size of his thumb, wound in and out of the bulky rings welded to the side of each manacle. The opposite end of every chain was attached to a separate wall.<br /><i>.Right.</i><br /><br />You paced the whole thing out perfectly, I felt. The suspense wasn't too drawn out, or too fast. Curron's realization of where he was and what was happening seemed believable to me. So, without further ado, *stands and applauds*T.D.https://www.blogger.com/profile/00986525486304875293noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7970703367799585001.post-22446489884103789452011-07-22T12:29:54.962-07:002011-07-22T12:29:54.962-07:00Go at it, Jake. ;) That's what it's up th...Go at it, Jake. ;) That's what it's up there for. :DStar-Dreamerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14298850366884374226noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7970703367799585001.post-84249885904241431462011-07-22T11:55:33.346-07:002011-07-22T11:55:33.346-07:00I'll get to edi—-er, READING this right away. ...I'll get to edi—-er, READING this right away. I'm too busy right now to read it, unfortunately.<br /><br />^_^ Don't expect me to go easy. ;) I shall nitpick, if that's all right. I have the Bryan Davis Revision Plan by my side. O_o I learned a lot from that fellow about revision...<br /><br />Anyway, see ya then.Jakehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07013859345463250479noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7970703367799585001.post-91168251345593518792011-07-22T11:19:09.716-07:002011-07-22T11:19:09.716-07:00I meant "He". *blush* Curron doesn'...I meant "He". *blush* Curron doesn't cross-dress... O_oStar-Dreamerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14298850366884374226noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7970703367799585001.post-35838234541713951642011-07-22T11:18:09.538-07:002011-07-22T11:18:09.538-07:00Ah, good idea, Lisa. :) That would definitely cut...Ah, good idea, Lisa. :) That would definitely cut some stuff. You're absolutely right... she should probably notice that right off. Thanks!Star-Dreamerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14298850366884374226noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7970703367799585001.post-86741951374576263022011-07-22T06:25:03.250-07:002011-07-22T06:25:03.250-07:00This was very easy to read. The only part that I w...This was very easy to read. The only part that I was a little iffy on was how long it took him to notice the chains. I would have thought that he would feel them around his wrists before he even opened his eyes. Maybe that recognition could help you get to the realization that it's a cell sooner to cut some of that description? Just a suggestion since you said you were looking to cut. I like the descriptions a lot and soo wish I could describe things so fluidly like you do. Best of luck with your plans to twart the evil Inner-Editor!Lisa Rosehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09054151451738617839noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7970703367799585001.post-57028414097238115042011-07-21T17:51:20.125-07:002011-07-21T17:51:20.125-07:00Definately suspense-producingDefinately suspense-producingGaladrielhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12993204559713347090noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7970703367799585001.post-60432457525785860192011-07-21T14:28:53.151-07:002011-07-21T14:28:53.151-07:00Ah, thanks Eldra! ^_^ I'm so very glad you li...Ah, thanks Eldra! ^_^ I'm so very glad you like it and want to read more. :)<br /><br />I do agree though... it has a lot of description. Hmmm... but I've rewritten it several times (meaning to cut out description) and I just can't seem to cut it very well. :( See, what I'm going for with this scene is Curron's confusion... I really wanted him to wake up and not really remember how he'd come to be where he was. That way, everything would seem rather new to him, just like it did for the readers, and I was hoping that this approach would somehow really drive the peril home in Curron's gut. If you know what I mean. I hope that's how it works, anyway.<br /><br />I'm so glad you like my discriptions! :) That makes me so happy! *does 'happy' jig*Star-Dreamerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14298850366884374226noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7970703367799585001.post-68772787205274017552011-07-21T13:46:45.769-07:002011-07-21T13:46:45.769-07:00Wow. I don't even know what to say, except: I ...Wow. I don't even know what to say, except: I WANT MORE!!<br /><br />Seriously, I couldn't find anything really "wrong" with what you have. There's lots of description, which some people may skip to get to the action, but it was all very beautiful. I wish I could write descriptions the way you do. :)<br /><br />Hmmm. *glances through again* Nope. I like it. You did an amazing job on it. Now I can't wait to read your book!RED~Scribehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15150207219814465145noreply@blogger.com